Finally! A contest category for us!

Greetings, dearest Punsters!

After a brief holiday hiatus, we're back with more Puns and Pun culture for our loyal readers. Did you miss us? Aww, shucks.

One of said loyal readers, AC, alerts us to the existence of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, for which one of the categories is labelled...wait for it...Vile Puns!!

HALLELUJAH!!

This year's winner was Greg Homer (brilliant name) from Placerville, CA, with this masterpiece: "Using her flint knife to gut the two amphibians, Kreega the Neanderthal woman created the first pair of open-toad sandals."

Off the scale!

The runner-up was a fellow Kiwi, clearly a man after our own heart, Eric Davies from Dunedin, New Zealand with this exquisitely classical Pun:
'Medusa stared at the two creatures approaching her across the piazza and, instantly recognizing them as Spanish Gorgons, attempted to stall them by greeting them in their native tongue, "Gorgons, Hola!"'

That one rocks!

The third place, or "Dishonourable Mention" (it should be Totally Most Honourable Mention), goes to another Punder from Down Under, Janine Beacham from Busselton, Western Australia:
"Eyeing the towering stacks of food colouring that formed the secret to his billion-dollar batik textile empire, grumpy Old Man Griffington was forced to admit that dye mounds are a churl's best friend."

With such fine Punsmiths operating around the world, I would encourage you all to enter your best, your finest, your most "vile" Puns for next year's competition, and let's raise the profile of the humble Pun!!

Peace and Puns!
xx

A warning to us all

Dearest Punners!

How are you? Really?! That's fantastic! Boy, this Poculum Mundi (World Cup) business has seized the world by the balls and driven many countries hopelessly insane. Punning, I find, helps ease the inevitable madness. Others disagree, of course. One of our readers, Atticus, alerts us to the existence of a textbook for ancient Greek composition (a common subject these days) that includes a comment extremely insulting to us Pun-minded folk.

First, the source: DONOVAN, J. 'Theory of Advanced Greek Prose Composition, with Digest of Greek Idioms, Volume II: Part I. (Concluded), and Part II.' (Oxford, 1922) 263. http://www.archive.org/stream/theoryofadvanced212donouoft#page/263/mode/1up

Second, the Crime: The first example sentence is this -- "Excessive punning is a characteristic feature of the poetical compositions of the hopelessly insane."

Oh yeah?! Well by that token, Mr "Donovan" (if that IS your real name), the greatest poet of the English language, our beloved Shakespeare, is HOPELESSLY INSANE!! (see post from June 16 for his Punning genius). Well, here's a poem for YOU, Mr Donovan. I hope you like it...

I was doing some Greek prose composition
When I came across words of such disposition
That I tore up the page
Violent war did I wage
And now they've put me in an institution.

Take that, Donovan!
Now if you'll excuse me, I've a spaceship manned by a dinosaur to catch.
xx

It's All White by me!

Dearest Punsters!

Like most of our planet's inhabitants, of late I have been enchanted by the Cup of the football World. In particular, the magnificent journey of New Zealand's All Whites. So, in honour of these fiesty lads, I feel it is time for some appropriately Punchy Puns.

A few contributions from fans are relevant here!

From TJD:
"My friend was updating me on the All Whites' prospects:

'If our All Whites tie their game, and Italy also tie their last game with the same number of goals, we'll be drawing lots.'

'Yes', I replied. 'There WILL be lots of draws.'"

Wordplay. Nice.

From CRS:

Chris was discussing the All Whites' draw with Slovakia with a friend.

Chris: "Who scored the goal that gave NZ a draw, saving them from defeat?"

Friend: "I believe his name was Winston Reid."

Chris: "Winston? More like DRAW-ston..."

Tenuous...but I'll allow it!

Another commentator (PJ) observed the awkwardness of the All Whites' name in post-apartheid South Africa...Best leave that one alone.

Now I must away from the Internet to focus on a very different sort of net! ;)

xx

Great Puns from History, Part III: Shake your spears for Shakespeare!

Good day, my deareth Puntastic fellows and fellowettes! How fareth thee? Superbeth!

Many of us have had a love/hate relationship with Shakespeare throughout our lives. Being forced to read this strange, boringly Biblical-sounding verse in school was enough to make us look forward to doing algebra instead.

Yet the massive influence that the Bard has had on world literature, pop culture and the English language has made him essential reading - whether you like it or not. While many can now, far beyond high school, stomach and even enjoy his mosaics of iambic pentameter, if you're not a fan, NEVER FEAR! There are several good reasons to revisit these immortal works...

PUNS!! Oh yes, this most famous playwright was a huge fan thereof. Sprinkled throughout his plays are Punning gems in a desert of verse (not that the rest of his plays is "desert", but bear with me here). Some examples:

Romeo and Juliet: After being stabbed, Mercutio maintains his razor-sharp wit: "Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man."

Richard III: The opening lines. Keep in mind Richard III was the son of the Duke of York...:
"Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York..."

Not even the titles of his plays were safe from Punnage. "Much Ado About Nothing" is an interesting example, given that in Shakespeare’s day, "nothing" and "noting" were homophones (they sounded the same). Therefore the title could also be understood as "Much Ado about Noting." "Nothing" is a double-entendre; "an O-thing" was Elizabethan slang for "vagina".

Alas, not all of Shakespeare's readers have enjoyed his puns so much. Dr Samuel Johnson, an early editor of Shakespeare's works, once said that punning was to Shakespeare "the fatal Cleopatra for which he lost the world and was content to lose it", referring to the queen of Egypt who was to be the death of Marc Antony.

But, as has been noted, even Johnson's comment contains a pun. "Fatal" is doubly appropriate, given that Cleopatra was both Antony's death and his destiny.

It seems no one, and nothing, can escape the lure of the Pun.

xx

Get thee to a Punnery!

Dearest devotees of the deity Pun (or Pun Nuns, if you will),

Today we have a fan contribution, from a mysterious fellow going by the name "Atticus". In true Roman style, we have another example of bilingual Punning wit from Atticus' past. Here's his pitch:

"My Latin and Greek teacher at school, an Englishman, still young and fairly fresh-faced from university, told golden tales of his cricketing prowess with the Cambridge 1st XI. Apparently, as captain, standing on the pitch and having just won the customary toss of the coin to begin proceedings, my dear teacher didn't just go with some Ricky Ponting-esque autopilot response. Heavens no. That would have been far too easy.

Rather, when the umpire, having witnessed the toss, turned and asked him what he would like to do, he would merely reply, in solemn tones:

"Curculio vespertilio".

In other words: "Weevil bat"."

If THAT's not a home run, I don't know what is!
Wait, I mean, a hit for six...either way, truly wicket punning. Nothing like coining a new expression.

This post does make me wonder what the insect "cricket" would be in Latin...

PEACE xox

Great Puns from History: Part II

Greetings, fellow Punguins!

On this historic day, time for another dip into the archives of the Punning greats of yore.

Thomas Hood (1799–1845) is perhaps one of our greatest forefathers. His written works, especially in his early days, were positively packed with Puns. In defence of our noble art, he once wrote:

"However critics may take offence,
A double meaning has double sense."

Hear hear!

An example from his real life, however, helps demonstrate why we should all Pun as often as we can on a day-to-day basis; practice makes damn near perfect Puns:
In Thomas Hood's later life, when an undertaker offered him his services, Hood quipped: "He is trying to urn a lively Hood."

YESSS!!!

PEACE
P.S. Puns not guns.

One last slice of baked-goods-related Punnage...

Piece of cake.

Easy as pie.

Coincidence?

I think not.

xoxo

Confusion at the Bakery: A Load of Ker-truffle

Salvete, my dear Punsters!

A reader's contribution today! Good to know there are so many other eager young (and old) Punguists out there.

This one is care of Daedalus. Bit of a half-baked idea, really...

Setting: a bakery.

Dude A: "Hmmm...the pies look amazing, but I'm not too hungry...maybe the sausage roll? The donut? Oh God, this is the most important decision of my life."
Dude B: "Hurry up and choose, for the love of- Screw this, I'm waiting outside."
....Five minutes later, Dude A comes outside with his purchase.
Dude B: "So what'd you get?"
Dude A: "Went for the sausage roll in the end, but I must admit, I was pie-curious..."

Chuckle chuckle. That got you some brownie points, Daedalus! Night y'all!
xoxo

Great Puns from History: Part I

Dearest Punners,

While we all love creating the works of art that are Puns, one must never forget our great Punning Forefathers; those giants upon whose shoulders of genius we stand today. It is for this reason that I hereby institute a recurring feature of this blog - Great Puns from History.

Every so often, I shall post some of the greatest Puns known to man. Puns that have stood the test of time. Puns with heritage and breeding. Puns that know how to use those extra bits of cutlery, and with flair, dammit.

So today, the first. So much the better for being a famous LATIN pun ;D

In the 1840's, the British were expanding their control in India. Nevertheless, there were those in Britain who doubted the wisdom of too rapid an advance, and in particular, the capture of the province of Sindh, which was thought likely to lead to an over-extension of lines of communication.

Charles James Napier, the major general of the army in the relevant area, was therefore under express orders not to capture the territory of Sindh. Once he discovered, however, how little resistance there was, he took the province with ease.

He sent back to Britain a famous, legendary one-word telegram:
PECCAVI.
This is Latin for "I have sinned", which of course also meant..."I have Sindh."

"Perhaps a perfect pun." (Mark Burnyeat, NY Times). Hard to disagree really! The play on the English use of the verb "to have" just tickles me right.

Peace out hombres x

One more for the road...

Visual Puns. Does it get any better?



xoxo

Unintentional Puns

Ahoy there Punnees!

Today I address a topic with which many of you will be well familiar: unintentional Puns...or Punintentionals, if you will. You know them well. It's when someone makes a killer Pun without realising they have done so. These Puns become wildly hilarious when uttered by someone during a self-righteous rant, preferably about something they consider very serious, but which their audience does not. Think school assemblies. Think business meetings. Think crazy Christian right-wing rants about masturbation. Say what?! I hear you. Here's this: http://christwire.org/2010/05/how-to-spot-a-masturbator/

My favourite line:
"For adults, masturbation exhausts. It can make one groggy and unfocused. It has a steamrolling effect, encouraging individuals to think more about sex and less about their work at hand."

Couldn't have said it better myself. I'll never think of Palm Sunday the same again...
x

First Pun contribution!

Ahoy there fellow Punsters!

Today be a momentous day. Today marks the inaugural post containing a contribution from a reader. Yes, one of you beautiful Punning linguists out there has sent me a Puntastic link, filled with countless jeux de mots.

A warning: the first few paragraphs are about nail polish, and therefore, boring as shit. But have faith! Keep reading, push through that initial pain barrier and you will discover a gift more Punderful than all of Croesus' gold.

http://stupidnailpolishnames.blogspot.com/2009/09/sexagon.html

Hehehe. Chuckle chuckle. Prism! Classic.

Enjoy! xox

Rooms with baths in them and that innit

Ahoy there, fellow Punsters!

A fruitful conversation at lunch today allowed many of us to dine out on some good Puns. One critter was espousing the virtues of sleeping and living in a bathroom alone. Another cheeky soldier commented that it'd be a bit awkward bringing a girl home, making it more difficult to "tap that". He then followed this up with further brilliance: "I mean, you don't wanna faucet..."

Hehehe. Chuckle chuckle.

Why does this post give me a sinking feeling...

Ta ra! x

You're asking me where my Puns grow, eye don't know, eyyyyeeeeee don't know....dun dun dun dun dun...

OKAY. PUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS.

Recently a friend posted on Facebook (the ultimate transglobal Punning network) that she had just removed a cat's eyeball.

As you do.

Various quizzical responses followed, until one wise-ass stated: "You removed a cat's eyeball? Whilst doing so, I hope you said "socket to me"..."

Hehehe. Chuckle chuckle.

Living the dream, living the dream.

The Prof x

Now it's your turn...

Ahoy worthy Punfolk!

Now it's time to hear your contributions. This is where I offer up two seemingly random and unrelated items to be sacrificed to the Pun Gods (or Wordplayities, if you will).

Some guy walks into a bank wearing sunglasses.

My contribution: Seems like a shady character...

NOW PUN AWAY!!

First Punny entry

Ahoy there young Punners, and welcome to the Punder Years!

I see some of you are observant enough to have seen the irony that in a blog dedicated to Puns, there have been, thus far, none (apart from the hilarious blog title, of course). A deliberate ploy to encourage contributions that seems to have failed! Nevertheless, the first Pun has arrived.

During a recent Facebook "your-mum-off", two contributors were discussing the film Clash of the Titans. One was surprised when the Kraken monster appeared, and said: "Didn't expect to see your mum in this film." The other responded with: "Interesting, the last time I saw YOUR mum she said something like 'fill my Kraken'..."

Hehehe. Chuckle chuckle.

FIRST PUN COMPLETE!!

And so it begins...

Puns.

They've always been there for me, the one constant in my life from an early age. Through dark tempests and 'cross sunny shores, they have been my guide. My truth, my light. They keep me safe in the wee hours, and dance with me on summer's evenings. Never have they abandoned me, nor I them. It is with this weight of history, this moment, this WONDER, that I embark on a new voyage in this crazy, crazy world... a journey of hope, a journey of joy, a journey of epic motherfuckin' wordplay.

Over the next lifetime, I intend to post the mostest epic-est of Puns (the capital letter signifies holiness), both those that I make myself (let's face it, the purest, most perfect Puns of all) and those of others. I invite submissions, which will be given full credit. Hopefully this will encourage people to write down their flashes of linguistic brilliance, even keep a journal of such witticisms at all times, as all Punning linguists should.

Join me on this spiritual quest, and maybe, together, we can find some answers.